Were you a weird kid growing up? Not a nerd. A weird kid. There's a difference. It’s okay; it's a spectrum thing. No one is normal. If you’re not sure where you fall, think back to middle school. If you can't remember who the weird kid was, it was you. If one of these statements rings true, add one point, then add up all your points at the end for your total score.
- Your penny loafers had pennies in them.
- Your best friend was a My Buddy doll.
- The first time you had a puff of a cigarette, you threw up and
went home and told your mom. She called everyone parents.
- You showed up to school halfway through the year with no
explanation as to why you changed schools, and you didn't move.
- Saved your allowance.
- Watched Captain Kangaroo.
- For lunch, you brought some form of hot food in a thermos.
- Preferred GoBots.
- You pretended not to hear that kid whisper, "But I don't want
to play with him, mommy."
- Wore a life jacket on the beach.
- Showered in a bathing suit.
- You had a vague disease. Nobody knew exactly what it was, but it
involved your butt.
- Beat an educational video game.
- Drank chocolate soy milk juice boxes.
- Wore terry cloth underwear.
- When your mom let you pick any chocolate bar at the store, you'd
choose a Hershey plain.
- You remember breast feeding.
- Put ketchup on your eggs.
- Your parents called you child.
- Bit cheese strings.
- Had an affinity to hump stuff.
- Said stuff to your mom like, "My jingle doesn't feel good,
mommy."
- Kept your Slappy Hand so long that it got all black and covered in
dirt and hair, and when you'd slap it on the wall, it'd leave behind a
grease mark.
- Your grandmother was partial about you.
- Ate yogurt without mixing it first.
- Had a weird name for private stuff, like, "I have to poot."
- Kissed your parents on the lips.
- Called your parents mother and father.
- Preferred to be called by the long form version of your name:
Matthew, Michael, Joshua, etc.
- At your family reunion, you got beat up.
- Pulled your pants all the way down to pee.
- Removed all you clothes to poop.
- Barfed during an assembly. You're not weird for doing it, you're
weird from doing it.
- You saw Mars Love Moms in the theatre with your mom.
- Had weird name for your private parts, like,
"Wingle, dingie, tickle stick, etc."
- Had special items: special sheets, special pants, special shoes,
special cream, special hat.
How'd you score?
[0] That's too low. You're definitely a serial killer.
[2-8] That's a normal amount of weird. You're good.
[9 and up] It's not your fault. Look at me, son. It's not your
fault. No, it's not your fault. No, you don't. It's not your fault. Fuck them,
okay? Seriously, your parents sucked. Cut your losses, move to a big city and
reinvent yourself as a cool person. It's not hard - just buy sunglasses and
take up smoking. Reduce your vocabulary to different intonations of "sup,"
"yeah," and "cool."