Do you guys Bird? Everyone is bird’n these days. You were probably standing outside of the bar the other night, and when you asked your friend if he was gonna call an Uber, he said “I’m gonna bird it” and you were like, “totally…” In case you are out of the loop, Bird is a new hot startup, that FINALLY combines all the ride sharing conveniences of Uber, with coolness of Razor scooters.
Darn Toot'n Let's Go Scoot'n - you can have to one Bird
I discovered Bird, serendipitously, I was sitting in my usually spot puffing a smoke in front of my office, and this dude, does a slide stop on his E-scooter, jumps off, flips up his clip-on sunglasses and walks into the building. I watched him curiously, he didn’t lock it up or anything, pretty bold move if you ask me. It took me about five times of that happening for me to clue into what was going on. It got weirder too because it was always different people. Slide in, jump off, flip up clip-on sunglasses, no lock, zero fucks. Okay I exaggerated they didn't all have clip-on sunglasses.
Darn Toot'n Let's Go Scoot'n - you can have to one Bird
I discovered Bird, serendipitously, I was sitting in my usually spot puffing a smoke in front of my office, and this dude, does a slide stop on his E-scooter, jumps off, flips up his clip-on sunglasses and walks into the building. I watched him curiously, he didn’t lock it up or anything, pretty bold move if you ask me. It took me about five times of that happening for me to clue into what was going on. It got weirder too because it was always different people. Slide in, jump off, flip up clip-on sunglasses, no lock, zero fucks. Okay I exaggerated they didn't all have clip-on sunglasses.
I finally gained the courage to walk up to the scoot and inspected it, face painted with skepticism, caution and intrigue. Smoke dangling from my mouth. Confused in this strange foggy future we live in. Was this some kind of new wave delivery service? Laser mail?
I looked around making sure no co-workers were watching, it was possible it was a nerd trap. The scoot had a little QR code on it, and a little sticker that said, "I'm a bird, download my app." QR codes, apps, E-scooter, definitely a nerd trap. I'd reach out and touch the handle bars and all of a sudden a net would fall and a bunch of football jocks would run out of the bushes and start kicking me.
I googled "Bird" then "Bird Scooters" literally nothing but a few crappy youtube reviews videos. No real information, not even a website. FAQ? Yeah keep dreaming. Zero instructions, just like Snapchat, this new generation hates instructions. How far can you scoot, how much does it cost, what are the rules, are you allowed to do tricks?
So I figured, if they aren’t going to tell me any info, I’ll have to find out myself and seeing how this blog has spiraled into an alternative transportation review site. I came up with a scheme.
Why don’t I try and take this MF'er all the way home from Santa Monica to Hollywood. Is there a proximity limit? No clue. Cost per mile? Sorry bud. What about just bunny hops? My commute is about ten miles and takes me an hour (I know). 10 miles isn't that far in a car, but it's pretty far to scoot. Can I get home faster if I Bird it? Only one way to find out.
I got prepared for my wild road trip in the mother’s quiet room at work. It’s kind of chilly in LA right now, so I put on a jacket and hoodie. The app said I needed to wear a helmet but the only one I had was the one I bought for my mini bike. It would have to do. Next I slopped a big ol' lick onto my Go Pro suction cup mount and popped it onto my helmet, "POP" "Let's do this."
I snuck out of work 15 minutes early, to ensure I got the best scooter, I was worried they would all be taken when I got outside. And sure enough I walk out to where the scooter was earlier and it was gone. I pulled a full spazz out, jumping up and down, foot stomping, Go-Pro bobbing everywhere. After regaining my composure I opened up the app to see if there was another bird in the area. It wasn’t looking good, there were two close by but their batteries were only at 20% juice. There was a cherry 48 percenter a half mile away but what if I hoof it all the way there and someone snagged it out from under me?
This whole adventure was turning into a bust. Then I thought "fuck it, I got all prepared and faked a meeting to make this happen, I have to risk it all and run as fast as I can to the 48er before anyone else gets to it." But just as I’m about to sprint down the street this woman pulls up to the curb straight bird’n it. She does a sick skid stop, hops off, and walks into the building without looking back, super tough. If the scooter had blown up behind her that would have looked awesome.
I went up to check the charge, 50% or a Half Chicken Dinner as I like to call it. Sweet. I took one last look to make sure no one from my work was around, tightened my helmet strap and peeled off. Oh you guys still commute? That’s cool I guess. Oh me? I scommute, it’s this new thing. It’s really big in Santa Monica, no big deal.
Darn Toot'n Let's Go Scommute'n
The scooter goes pretty fast, and it’s cherry smooth. The app said I had to drive on the road, but fuck that, I’m not getting smoked by a pickup truck, think how embarrassing that obituary would be. There are some bike lanes but I feel a biker would just push me over. Bikers and scooterers will always be arch nemesis. I started off on the side streets, scooting down the sidewalk, looking super cool. To start it you have to jump the thing like a moped by pushing it with your foot, which is dumb because it’s not like it’s a gas engine. Why can’t you just turn it on? On second thought it’s probably to stop a mom from putting one foot on it, hitting the throttle by mistake and scooting off the end of Santa Monica pier.
Darn Toot'n Let's Go Scommute'n
The scooter goes pretty fast, and it’s cherry smooth. The app said I had to drive on the road, but fuck that, I’m not getting smoked by a pickup truck, think how embarrassing that obituary would be. There are some bike lanes but I feel a biker would just push me over. Bikers and scooterers will always be arch nemesis. I started off on the side streets, scooting down the sidewalk, looking super cool. To start it you have to jump the thing like a moped by pushing it with your foot, which is dumb because it’s not like it’s a gas engine. Why can’t you just turn it on? On second thought it’s probably to stop a mom from putting one foot on it, hitting the throttle by mistake and scooting off the end of Santa Monica pier.
It started out pretty great, scooting down quiet streets checking out the view. For the moment I thought I could get into the scoot life, even though I looked like the biggest nerd I’ve ever looked, and that’s saying a lot, just ask anyone from my grade school about my radio bike invention, I’ll give you a hint, it included an old timey bike, computer speakers and a shit load of duct tape.
I stopped and took a moment to get a snap in front of this christmas light display. While I was doing it this guy walked up and goes “Are you still using that?” "Yeah I’m still standing on it, fuck off bud get your own scoot." Dude needs to read my upcoming article on Scoot etiquette. Straight up goof move if you ask me.
Next I ripped up to Santa Monica blvd. where the real action is. Seeing how my commute is an hour long bumper to bumper log jam it was very satisfying zooming by all the red lit, stopped cars. I had AirPods in, listening to music on my phone, with a tiny camera on my head ZZZZZ’n along on my laser scoot. We really do live in the future guys, I could zoom through the background in BTTF2 and no one would bat an eye.
So I pass the 405 without breaking a sweat. At this pace I’m going to make it home in no time, well like 45 minutes, but beating my commute would be a huge triumph. Had a few scary moments out on the street but I summoned the courage to thread the needle for like five cars.
And drove through a car wash like a mother fucking dare devil.
After the 405 I cruised up a steady incline. That’s when things started going downhill, how ironic. So I’m cruise'n up the street and the scooter starts beeping, but I hadn’t gone that far and it was at 50% WTFS. So I ingored it and kept going, then it started flashing its little red light, then it started puttering and then it just died. Well that’s bullshit. 50% of nothing. What the fuck am I gonna do now?
There goes my goal of beating the system and becoming the scommute hero. Also the piece of shit died in the middle of nowhere and I was surrounded by bumper-to-bumper traffic. But I wasn’t going to give up that easily. I wasn’t sure exactly which areas Bird serves, but I thought I’d take the chance and turn on the app like a sad lonely person opening tinder at 3am. I just left the scooter there on the sidewalk, it feels really weird to just leave it randomly on the street and walk away. So the app loads, and just by sheer luck, there was another bird a few blocks away. It only had 29% but that would have to do.
I walked to the next block and looked around but I couldn’t see it, according to the map I was standing right on top of it. There’s a button on the app you can press to have the scooter beep to find it, so I hit it and heard the beep, down someone’s driveway.
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| Seriously dawg? Get some Scettiqute. Goof move. |
Look at this asshole, hoarding scoots. That piece of shit was trying to hide it so he could take it to work the next day for sure. Sorry bud, that’s my scoot now. I walked down this guys driveway, unlocked the scooter, and took off again. Fuck that guy. It did really feel like I was stealing it though, so I cranked the throttle and peeled out of there at max 7 mph.
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| Have fun walking to work tomorrow ya goof. |
Even though it was a 29er, it was right cherry smooth. I deeked off the residential streets back up to Santa Monica, and cruised all the way to Beverly Hills with zero worries mate. Out of my way rich people, I gotta make it home, I’m VIPOAS, check this out I’m gonna drive through your velvet rope, deal with it.
The only problem I had was where to put all the phone numbers I was getting from all the rich babes that I drove by. Beverly Hills has a special place in my heart because it was the first place I stopped when I drove to LA in my early twenties. I pulled into a gas station and Paris Hilton was there pumping her gas and I was like like “Woah this place is magical”
Next I cut back up to Santa Monica blvd., the scooter was still zzzz’n along hard. At first it seemed like this was a bad move because there aren’t really sidewalks on that part of Santa Monica, and people drive highway speeds on it. But I found a dirt path through the park. Time for an off-road test.
Bird handled it like a champ, until that dirt road ended and the only choice I had was to cross the street and scoot down a section of the road that was under construction. It was super dark and the oncoming headlights were blinding. I had a bad feeling any moment I’d just drive straight into a hole and fall down into a sewer tunnel. Luckily that didn’t happen.
I made it out of there eventually and on to a quiet one way street. It was awesome I had the full road to do swervies and sick slides.
That lasted for about ten minutes until the scooter started beeping again. This time it just died immediately, wheels locked up and it was like “Nah bud not going anywhere” again on a random street. That’s two down, I turned the app back on for a hail merry. No birdies for miles. Mother fucker. Stranded, in a dumb orange helmet.
I aaaalmost made it? One more scoot would have done it. Or maybe if I found two fully charged ones? Maybe if I tried it first thing in the morning, though that would kind of miss the point of the scummute. All told I made it about 6 or 7 miles in around an hour, for a total cost 15 bucks. Which is probably how much it would have cost to just uber, but that’s not the point is it.
Defeated I called an Uber. Let's be honest we all knew this is how it was going to end. I eventually got home about two and half hours after I left, so all-in-all, not the best commute option. If I find a 100 percenter sitting outside someday I’m going to try again, because if you could make it the whole way on one single scoot, I think I could beat my time
Until another day, another scoot, scootcha later.
-SCOOTLIFE, SCOMMUTE, ZZZZ'N
Until another day, another scoot, scootcha later.
-SCOOTLIFE, SCOMMUTE, ZZZZ'N