You’ve never sweated like this before, welcome to Shape House, let’s sweat into it.
I booked my usual fake meeting, put a mannequin in one of the boardrooms and snuck out of work early. The first and only urban sweat lodge is conveniently located just 1.2 miles from my office. Thing was it was too far to walk, yet too close to justify an Uber. Hmmm, I wish there was some form of transportation specifically designed for quick, short distance trips, something that’s app based maybe, that you could use on a case-by-case basis…
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| I guess it kind of looks lodge-y ? |
So she leaves and I pop on an episode of Halt and Catch Fire, the irony of which was lost on me at the time. Snug as a bug, I was nice and cozy, feet all toasty, all I had to do was lay back, relax and watch the dramatized power struggles within the 1980's computer industry on AMC. This will be a breeze.
10 minutes later, I entered temperature awareness. “Oooh it’s getting a little steamy in here I can definitely feel it getting warmer. Nothing I can’t handle."
20 minutes later: When Susauna came in to check on me my entire face was glazed like a donut, beads of sweat were flowing down my brow like a watermelon in the sun and I had a bad case of tomato head. She asked me if I was doing okay and I nodded yes with a nervous but hiding it, smile. I was getting really hot, and a slight panic was setting in.
35 minutes later: The sweat bag was now filled with a deep pool of sweat, moving around was really splashy and the Apple remote had floated away long ago. I felt like a steamed dumpling. "This must be the limit" I thought "It can’t get any hotter, right?" I slowly squeezed my sweaty hand out of the little slit in the blanket to get a drink of water. I could barely grip the bottle because my hands were so slippery. I was so hot and thirsty I chugged half the bottle immediately, sweet alkalines. It was starting to get scary hot. I figured out that if I moved my body around in just the right way, sometimes a vacuum would suck in some cool air but the relief was fleeting. It was a whole other level of sweat, Sweat II. It was a deep, guttural sweat long forgotten in the crevasse of my internal organs. This ancient sweat had probably been with me for years. The room started to smell like cigarette butts and rum and cokes. As I sloshed around in what might become my moist body bag I thought about that age old question; Would you rather die of heat exhaustion or freezing to death? It’s definitely freezing trust me.
When Susauna came back again I tried to play it cool but I was sweating so much at that point it probably looked like I had leaned back into a waterfall. She brought a towel this time, a cold towel and placed it over my forehead. It was heavenly. Then she asked me if I was doing okay and I said “I am now” in a tone that was more sexual than I had intended. Way to go you creeped out Susauna, now she’s not gonna check on you anymore, idiot.
The last 15 minutes of the sweat sesh, as I was told in the video, is the most important part because that's when the real sweat starts. The real sweat...STARTS? I thought that's what sweat II was all about, was this a sweat trilogy? I didn't think I had any left, at that point it was just those wavy heat lines coming out of my pores. I had turned into a human aroma evaporator, shooting out essences of smokey rum and cokes.
It was twice as hot as the point I thought couldn't get hotter. I had entered sweat III. My only savior was knowing death would come soon. It was so fucking hot I took my earphones off, hoping maybe my ears could cool me down, like two air cooled radiators, but they failed me. Then my heart started racing, the beats felt off rhythm and disturbing and I thought I was gonna puke. Extreme panic began to set in. I could see it now, the velcro straps keeping the bag sealed would get stuck in a Final Destination kind of way and when they came back to check on me (longer than usual because I creeped out Susauna) I’d be a well-done Matt roast, gravy and all. I didn’t want to cheat but I couldn’t handle it any longer. I pulled one of my arms out and it flopped over the side of the bed. A steady stream of sweat poured off the tip of my finger on to the floor. The last droplets in my body, 21 grams of life sweat. This is how I will die.
Eventually I heard Susauna approaching and I quickly pulled my arm back in and sealed up the sweat bag to my chin. I didn't want her thinking I was some kind of heat baby. I wasn't fooling anyone though I could see the look of disappointment on her face, she knew. Then in one quick beautiful movement she ripped open the velcro like a bag of microwave popcorn and a huge cloud of steam blasted into the air. I looked down at my body and I was laying in a full pool of sweat. I didn't even know people had that much sweat in them. You know how they say that humans are 98% water? Well there was probably 30% of me left in that bag. I stood up and almost fainted immediately.
Susauna poured me out into a wicker chair in the chill/recovery room. There were two other women in there, but they weren’t half as sweaty and fucked up as I was. They looked like they just came back from a quick jog, while I looked like someone had pushed me into a pool. Susauna handed me some orange slices and lemon tea. "Yeah because the first thing I want after being cooked alive is a steaming mug tea Susauna!" I gave her the stink eye as bit into my orange slices. They were the best tasting orange slices I have ever eaten, I don’t know if the sweat pushed out some clog in my taste buds or something but each bite was like a summer vacation on my tongue. I ate all my slices like a starving monkey and then started eyeing one of the other lady's slices she hadn't finished. We weren’t allowed to talk in the chill room but I kind of made it clear what I was getting at with my eyes and eventually she handed them over, Reluctantly.
Once I was able to walk I found Susauna. “Hey where’s the shower?” … “The what?” she said. “The shower, I’m covered in death sweat” “We recommend you don’t shower for at least 90 minutes after your session” to which I replied “Wait so I’m currently the sweatiest and smelliest I’ve ever been in my life, and I have to put my regular clothes back on? They’ll be ruined, I just bought these jeans” She just kind of shrugged and walked away, and as she did I could have sworn she whispered “heat baby” under her breath.
I went into the change room, peeled my clothes off and I slopped them into the bin. Seeing what happened to them fully confirmed my fears earlier of using their loaner sweats. And my boxers were obviously ruined, so they went straight into the garbage can. I guess I'll be going home commando. I towel dried as best i could but it was a sad sloppy mess.
After I got changed I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and to my surprise I noticed I was rocking a pretty impressive prenatal glow. I took a moment to really take in what I’d look like if I was pregnant, pretty and handsome at the same time, pransome.
My Uber driver on the way home was polite enough not to say anything, but I could see he was really having a hard time with the stink. He was covertly leaning his head out of the window, and breathing through his mouth the whole way home and I don't blame him. He probably thought I just had some chronic sweating disease and that's how I always smelled. I felt bad for permanently ruining his car so I left a good tip.
When I did finally have a shower I felt so clean afterwards, it was like when you were a kid and after a G.I. Joe fueled bath sesh you'd be just squeaky clean AF. Also that night, I slept like a goddamn baby.
All in all, steam bag'n is worth a shot. It’s definitely a interesting experience, it gives you a glimpse into what it’d be like to die of heat exhaustion, what you’re pregnancy glow would look like, and for a moment the feeling of being a clean sleepy baby. But I'd do it soon if you can because someone is definitely gonna die in a sweat bag any day now and the whole urban sweat party will be over forever.