I ended up having to work all weekend, in a to-the-tee Office Space, Friday evening Lumbergh dropping by your cubicle scenario. So during Saturday and Sunday I was stuck strapped to a laptop in bed like Stephen Hawking, writing emails, conference calling (worst invention ever created) and trying to watch Halt and Catch Fire in the background. It didn’t help that I totally ignored the fact I’d have to get up early Saturday morning, went out Friday night and got frosh week wasted. One of those situations when you wake up and you’re like "past me really fucked future me today". It sucks how future you can never get revenge on past you. It's one of the biggest tragedies of the linear space-time reality in which we live.
Anyway Sunday evening I was finally able to pull the matrix cord out of the back of my next, roll out of my goo cocoon and splat on to the floor. I had to get outside before rickets set in. During my Friday “let’s fuck the future” party I had a foggy memory through yager tinted glasses, that someone had mentioned there was a russian bath house in West Hollywood. “Wait what? A legit Russian Bath house in my neighborhood?!” running cartoons legs, a human shaped cloud left behind slowly disperses.
VODA SPA
This place is the real deal. Big pool, steam rooms, beautiful deco, cold bath, Turkish bath, sauna. It's got all the hot and cold forms of water and air you could ever ask for.
I hit the Jacuzzi and pool first, all while trying to avoid direct eye contact with Uncle Viktor. Primo quality pool and H-tub, salt water, the temperature; Jacuzzi certified. Having a full pool is rare at a spa so I give it a bonus point just for that. Next I went into the Turkish bath. It was burn your face, Sarah Conner in T2 flashback hot. I also lost my slippers immediately so I hopped around the hot floor like a little dandy. I finally figure out what exactly a Turkish bath is. It’s the rocks, rock based heat. Apparently they heat those rocks all night and then, in this case just plop’em on the floor, which seems a little dangerous to me, what if you slipped and beefed it into the pile of rocks. I guess it could make for a good dong-out sauna fight finishing move. Like you throw the bad guy on the rocks and he’s flopping around sizzling like a fried egg and then you go “Get your rocks off” YAAAAOOOOHH.
The steam room, was superb. I’ve create a new criteria for judging steam rooms. It's the distance you can see in front of you through the thickness of the steam. Steam blindness distance, or SBD. Like a five footer SBD would be a decent steam room but a three footer, get out of town. You want it to be so milkshake thick you can't tell if anyone is in there with you until you just hear a mysterious voice coming out from the fog. “Pass the dunk bucket” like some kind of steam god, Steamodite.
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| It says "I'm not in a fog I'm in Banya" |
Speaking of bars, there’s a full bar and restaurant inside the spa. Yeah I know! You can go eat Russian cuisine and drink vodka in your goddamn robe. I definitely had to check that out. So I went to my locker and there was this waaaasted Russian dude stumbling around in front of a locker. He looked at me cross eyed and said “Lock. You know how?” He was asking how to use the programmable keypad locker thing. So I walked up and was like “Yeah you just press the key button and type in a code like this” I typed in four random numbers and it locked and he goes “Thanks” and walked away, there is no way he would a) remember where his locker was and b) what combo I typed in but I'd be long gone before that mess went down.
Next I walked over to the bar to get a drink and check out the menu. The wasted Russian guy was already at the bar “One vodka” he said, it's funnier if you imagine him saying it in a thick Russian accent. He slams the shot of vodka, then orders another and a pot of tea. I check out the menu, tons of Russian food that I had never heard of before. I was really hoping for pierogis, isn’t that Russian? Because slamming a huge plate of pierogs covered in onions, sour cream and bacon, while wearing a bath robe is essentially heaven on earth amiright? Who doesn’t love p-rogs?
Next I walked over to the bar to get a drink and check out the menu. The wasted Russian guy was already at the bar “One vodka” he said, it's funnier if you imagine him saying it in a thick Russian accent. He slams the shot of vodka, then orders another and a pot of tea. I check out the menu, tons of Russian food that I had never heard of before. I was really hoping for pierogis, isn’t that Russian? Because slamming a huge plate of pierogs covered in onions, sour cream and bacon, while wearing a bath robe is essentially heaven on earth amiright? Who doesn’t love p-rogs?
No pierogs on the menu so I asked the bartender what's good he goes “The goulash man, the cook’s been making it for 25 years” not being the most adventurous eater, and getting it confused with gazpacho I tried to find a nice way of saying I didn't want it. The bartender tried to sell it to me by saying “Its got tons of beets in it.” (yum?) Then the Russian guy turns to me and goes “Beets, good for liver” drops his vodka shot into his pot of tea and walks away. Huh vodka tea, new drink? Pressured by the bartender and Russian drunk guy I started to panic. I really didn’t want cold beet soup (that’s what I thought it was) so I told the bartender I’d "give the menu another look, there were so many tasty things on the menu I'll need a second" then when he turned his back I ran away.
All in all, I’m a big fan of Voda (wait a minute did they just take the "K" out of vodka?) it comes in a little expensive at $50 for a day pass but the premium is probably the atmosphere and pool. In comparison to say Crystal Korean spa which is $35 but no pool, and kinda nasty sometimes. Would I go back? Hell yeah! Would I look into membership opportunities? Definitely! Would I buy a professional steam hat? Already did!
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| It says "Go to the Banya Chief" |