I went to a wedding in Vegas on the weekend. You know those ones on TV shows where they get married by Elvis? It was one of those. Which was an experience in itself. I’ll just give you highlights because this post isn't really about that.
- Elvis had a button he could press on his podium that would make one of three sound effects: A snare drum for when he’d say a joke, an “aaaww” sound effect or canned applause, and the effects sounded like they were from a 1950s TV show like Leave it to Beaver. Those last two sound effects make more sense when the couple is by themselves but this wedding was packed, so packed in fact not everyone could fit in the tiny chapel. We had more than enough people to do our own aw's but Elvis hit that button anyway. "I do" --BEEP-- "Aaawwwwww"
- The entire ceremony was no longer than twelve minutes and then they kick you out. I'm not kidding Elvis was like "Okay get out. Seriously move there's another wedding coming in immediately." At one point he actually said "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here." To the entire wedding party.
- During the ceremony every once and a while for just a few milliseconds I'd forget it was an impersonator and I would think it was actually Elvis.
- At one point Elvis wiped off his sweat with a handkerchief and handed it to the bride like it was a trophy. She was confused and offended. Impersonations don’t go down to the sweat level bud. That’s just an out of shape dude that had a really weird life path’s sweat.
- There was a lot of singing and it was great.
- Even though the bride’s father was there "Elvis" walked her down the aisle. He insisted on it.
- You weren’t allowed to take photos. Seriously Elvis is not fucking around on that rule. I don’t care if it’s your grandma, he’ll lay her out. I had to get all these pictures off the internet because I pulled out my phone and he pointed at me like "You take a photo and I'll honky tonk your ass. Try me"
- It may have been the best wedding ceremony I’ve been to. Zero sarcasm, it was great.
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| Bon Jovi actually did get married here, why he's back at someone else's wedding I'm not quite sure. |
Vegas itself was exactly how Vegas always is. Every Vegas trip is the same. It’s open 24/7. It literally stays the same no matter what month, day or time it is. It’s Taco Tuesday all week, it’s happy hour all day and it’s ladies night 365 days of the year. They do it on purpose so you have no sense of time. It should be called Las Timos. [Elvis Drum Sfx]
Actually my wife and I had a lovely time playing video poker and eating 17 pounds of crab legs at the buffet. But again that's not what this post is about.
The whole weekend I was excited about one thing, the drive home from Vegas. Am I the only person that has ever said that? Just call me Bizzaro Vegas guy. Here’s why I was so excited I could barely wait to hit the road. You ready for it?
AN EMPTY PLANE OF DIRT! Yeeaaahh, you know it! Let’s get crazy. Who wants to go to an empty plot oooof laaaannd! [VUVUZELA SFX]. Look at all that ground ya’lll.
I’ll explain.
In between Vegas and LA there’s a dry lake bed called Jean Roach Lake. And Apparently you can go there and literally just do whatever you want.
What do you mean sir?
I meaaaan you can do whatever the fuck you want to do. It's public land and you can go there for free and just go nuts.
I still don’t get it sir.
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| Even the google maps page has a picture of a truck going off a frick'n jump! |
Okay let me explain it with this picture above. This is the rule sign. And focus not what it says but what it doesn’t. It’s sort of like fight club but even more badass, there’s only one rule. Don’t shoot your gun…GUN… less than a half mile from the highway. That’s it. Beside that you’re all good bud. You can shoot an uzi at your friend's feet and make him dance, light fires, chug 151 and blow fireballs, drive a car off a jump, launch a model rocket shaped like a big ol’ dick, ride a unicycle while blasting a shotgun.
Look at this guy below he showed up while we were there to just go Fan Man’n. What are the rules about Fan Man’n? Who the fuck knows but more importantly who cares this is no rules land. This dude could just drop out of the sky and fully die and the fact he’s allowed to make that terrible decision, that sir is freedom. A big flat plane of god damn freedom [Eagle Screech sfx]
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| He looks so lonely. |
People that grew up on farms right now are probably like “yeah, no shit” but to city folk like me this is a revelation, in the city you literally can’t do anything fun. You light a single cherry bomb in the park and the cops could show up and arrest you for terrorism. On Jean Roach Lake you could blow up a station wagon while jumping over it in a four wheeler while spiting out a sweet 151 fireball and the worst thing you would get (well besides death) would be too many high-fives.
And how did I take advantage of this ultimate freedom you ask? How did I punch death in it's smug face? How did I give rules the finger from inside this mini Mad Max bubble of chaos?
UNREGISTERED MINI BIKE MOTHER FUCKER!
Ever since I spent a small fortune on converting a mini bike I bought on Amazon into an matching escape-pod for my Scout I’ve wanted to really go for a proper rip. I did sneak some mini rips on my street because I'm a badass but that wasn’t the same. Here I could just go for it, hammer the throttle and tear up some dang dirt.
Exploring is so much more fun when you can mini bike everywhere. Like I would see something in the distance hop on the MB and blast over there. I found this pile of bullets, that’s pretty cool.
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| There was a jump that went over a little mud pond next time I'll hit it. |
I learned pretty quickly that driving a tiny bike with no suspension is a little hard on the back and knees. Especially when you're pushing forty and to be fully transparent that's not MPH that years. But once I found a cherry stretch of smooth ground I really went for it. When the MB gets going it really moves even when it's carrying three times its max weight capacity.
After a few time trials I inspected the engine and found this little screw. That my friends is the governor. The little restrictor plate companies but on the throttle to stop you for going too fast. You’re not suppose to remove it but we’re in Noruleston baby, population me. So I unscrewed entirely. I figured it wasn’t going to change much but man there was a tiny 196cc beast inside that engine just waiting to be released. [Panther Roar SFX]
The Mini B fucking ripped after that. Seriously it actually went so fast I could only go full throttle for short spurts because it was too scary. The thing bumps around like a goddamn paint shaker, if I hit one medium sized rock I for sure would have gone flying and eaten a dirt sandwich. I ripped around that dry lake for a few hours, it was way too fun. Fuck video games, fuck binging TV, fuuuuuuck reading blogs, just go out to a flat empty piece of land and rip it up. I guarantee you it’ll be six hundred times more fun. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, rednecks and country folk know how to have fun way more than city slickers.
The possibilities are endless when you get out of the concrete jungle and have access to a plot of land. Oh you just bought a custom made coffee table that fits perfectly in the breakfast nook of your tiny condo? That’s cool I built a cannon want to shoot it at this huge fish tank I found at the dump?
I also brought a lil’ drone I built to go FPV racing cause you can do that there too, of course you can. But one of the propellers broke when my wife stepped on it by mistake in our hotel room, I’m still struggling to forgive her for that. But think of the possibilities there. One guy flies the drone the other tries to shoot it down with a crossbow?
How much did one of the top ten days of the year cost me? Zero. Zero dollars. Now how much did it cost you to go see Transformer 7 at the multiplex? How much!? Oh you got nachos and saw it in 4DX where the seats move around? Dude you really need to reevaluate your life. Infuse it with a little more freedom land bud.
Next time I'm hitting that jump. FREEEDOOOOM!