Do you have Movie Pass? If you don't and you like movies I'd suggest you buy it now before they inevitably go out of business. Remember when Blockbuster in a desperate move to avoid being murdered by the internet dropped their late fees and you could rent a new release and keep it for three months? And in order for them to keep new movies on the shelf they would have to keep buying copies and you'd end up walking into the blockbuster to see an entire shelf stacked to the brim with copies of Thirteenth Floor and they had a bargain bin the size of a alley dumpster? You see they bet big and they lost but while that game was going on it was good times for us.
Well folks it's happening again. Maybe I should jump in here and explain exactly what Movie Pass is first. A lot of my readers from Canada and strangely enough South Africa might not have the service yet. Based on previous roll-outs it takes about 16 months for something to come to Canada. By my calculations Venmo should be there any day now. It took god damn near five years for Apple Cinnamon Cheerios to make its way north of the border. The tease of American commercials in Canada, such a waste, such cruelty.
Movie Pass is simple (sort of) you pay between 7-9 bucks a month and you can go to one movie a day, every day. Dat crazy! You get an app and you have to do this sign-in process and you can only sign into a movie when you're close to the theatre and then when you sign-in the app sends money to your Movie Pass credit card you and bingo bango you're in.
So one movie everyday at almost any movie theatre, pretty awesome right? Anyone with even the simplest math skills can tell this doesn't add up. Even if you only go to one movie a month (which Movie Pass is counting on) in bigger cities they're losing up to six bucks a pop. How are they possibly going to keep it up? It only takes one asshole to......
So this may or may not be news to you but I recently quit my job to become a freelance hobo. I have an office at We Work and spend most of my days writing and drinking gallons of free coffee and kombucha, it was supposed to be gallons of free coffee and BEER because there used to be a free beer tap here but then just as I signed up they got into some license bullshit and they pulled out the beer kegs and replaced them with kegs of a hungover monkey's piss that got wasted off vinegar, sorry I meant to say kombucha. Free beer and coffee included in membership is just another example of things too good to last I suppose.
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| 4 out of the 6 movies I went to I was the only one there, yup that's sustainable. |
This is a short review of every movie I saw this week. Keep in mind I was restricted to only seeing the movies that one theatre had going on that week.
Tomb Raider
Man this was a dumb movie. I'm going to say it's even dumber than the AJL ones. Not that I saw them but just based on the fact I couldn't imagine it getting any dumber than this. It really goes to show that you can have great actors (Alicia Vikander and Domica West) but if you don't give them anything good to say... It's one of those plots where if everyone had just stayed home the outcome would have been the same. Also side note: the Director's name is Roar Uthaug. Roar. Hi I'm Roar. Roar Unsworth has been added to good kid names list just under Maniac Unsworth.
Red Sparrow
It's rare that they make a non-Marvel massive billion dollar franchise action movie these days. Red Sparrow is parts spy suspense, action, with some Shades of Grey thrown in. Fully on board, hubba hubba. The plot doesn't fully hold up to scrutiny but that's okay. It's Bourne Identity with a female lead who instead of tortures you for secrets she uses sexy powers. But outside of the sexy stuff it's a really good spy/one step ahead scheme movie.
Love Simon
So I was never planning on watching this movie. Again there weren't very many options. I thought it was going to be a cliche 90 minute glee episode. But I gotta say I really liked it. Highschool senior coming out of the closet, coming of age drama. I cried. I cried during a scene with Josh Duhamel, I was a bit hungover and emotional at the time of the screening but I never expected I would ever cry from Josh Duhamel performance. Two full tears on either cheek, don't tell anyone. NPH liked the movie so much he booked out screenings in his hometown so kids could go see it for free, just another reason why that dude rules.
Game Night
Another movie that I thought would be a real stinker. Think Horrible Bosses meets The Game which sort of makes sense because it's directed by the same guy that wrote HB, the kid from Freaks and Geeks. You probably don't need to make a night of it and hit the theatre but this is a solid sunday hangover movie.
Isle of Dogs
Amazing. In my opinion top three Wes Anderson movies. If you liked Fantastic Mr. Fox this is better. It's like Wes Andy took what he learned from that movie and applied it here. His level of detail work is mind blowing. It's like he looks at every frame of his films and asks, how can we make this more interesting? Let's have a parisian hot dog vendor in the background with a red and white striped awning and add a kid with a single yellow balloon and give him a cast on his right wrist and a black eye. And on that tree over there put a small pink victorian era birdhouse with a stop-motion hummingbird hovering around it.
I cried in this movie as well. A few times. I really want a dog.
Ready Player One
I don't want to talk about it. If I start typing I'll end up with a thirty page essay on all the mistakes--I SAID I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
In conclusion Movie Pass truly is the Netflix of Theatre movies. I bought a year pass for $99 that's even cheaper than netflix. Movie Pass says their plan is to get a huge group of members and with that comes power and influence. The Homer Simpson sugar model.
But can they maintain that much debt until it pays off? I honestly don't think so. It's like the Red Lobster all-you-can-eat lobster deal that almost bankrupted them. They figured one person can only eat 3 lobsters max but what they didn't consider is assholes would just eat the claws, throw the rest on the floor and demand more Lobster. This is a very similar situation, Yes the average person only goes to the movies once a month but that's because going to the movies is like fifty bucks. If it's essentially free and you can sneak a bag of Clown Salad in under your sweatshirt you're gonna be going to a hell of a lot more movies. And that's what they didn't expect, assholes like me going to 30 movies a month and sneaking in my own snacks.
Dear Movie Pass. See you in chapter 11 in a few months but love that you're here now bud.