Next Health - Cyrotherapy Pod (9/10)

I’ve been seeing billboards all over town about this cryotherapy thing. Honestly it didn’t really make sense to me, how could freezing yourself having any health benefit. If steaming makes you feel good, wouldn’t freezing make you feel bad? What do I know I didn't go to TempU. They claim you can lose weight, cure chronic pain, boost endorphins. It all sounds like a pile of mumbo jumbo if you ask me, or is it mumble jumble?

Did you know that some woman in Florida got stuck in a cyropod in a total Final Destination IRL moment and when people came back in the next day she was frozen solid inside the chamber. And then she tipped over and shattered on the floor. Okay I made up that last part, but the first part really happened look it up. 

Maybe it was the sense of danger that I could freeze to death, or jealousy towards those British hunks from last post, or maybe it was merely out of desperation for blog content, I can’t be sure but whatever it was last Saturday I woke and decided I needed to enter the Cold Zone. I needed to get crispy. So I went back to Next Health, I figured I’d give them one more chance after their hangover IV drip was a totally dud. Also they are the only place in town that has a full head-to-toe freeze chamber. Gotta get that head froze ya'll. 

"LET'S FUCKING DOOOO THIS!!!!"

I walked up to Next Health, kicked in the door and charged up to the counter with a I'm gonna come at you goof kind of walk. The reception guy looked up scared and confused "Can I help you?"  “Hi yeah, I, um, can get in the freezey thingy?” He said sure, and gave me a stack of forms to sign. Then they took my blood pressure, which was a little disturbing, but nothing to worry about I've been pretty health conscience lately... I did just run here while puffing a smoke I hope that doesn’t screw up my reading.

The setup is fairly simple you walk into a deep freezer and freeze your ass off for three minutes. A friend pointed out that sounds just like a cold shower and I told him to shut his mouth. Cold showers don’t have cyro-technology so please come back when you know what you’re talking about. 

Once the freeze pod was ready the lady, I didn’t get her name (I should really start getting people's names) I'll call her Esla, get it? (#current #youth #withit) She brought me to a change room and pointed to this instruction thingy on the wall. Basically you want to have as much exposed skin as possible to get the maximum effect, but you want to keep your feet and hands warm. I’m not really sure what’s the deal about that? Frostbite? Anyway I chucked on the gear and met Elsa at the pod.

She gave me a pair of wireless Beats headphones and told me to pick what song I wanted to listen to from an Ipad on the wall. What's a good freeze song? That's a lot of pressure. I looked at her, would she judge me?  She looked real hip and I could tell from the search history the people before me were trying to impress her with their song choice from the abundance of Kendrick Lamar.  What if I froze to death and this would be the last song I'd hear before my ear fluid froze into a solid tiny block of ice? Starting to panic I hit the letter "T" and the first suggestion that came up was Taylor Swift which I the hit by mistake. I was in too deep to turn back, so I just committed and clicked on Blank Spaces. I looked at Elsa for approval and by the tilt in her head I could tell she was more confused than anything. She was definitely going to tell her hip friends about this after work. 

Eventually she shrugged her shoulders and opened up the pod door. A mini artificial blizzard blew into the room. It was like when you check to see how cold it is outside in the winter and you open the door and the cold wind and little snow flurries blow in and you're like “fuck it I’m not going outside today.”  It's exactly like that but you're in your underwear and it cost sixty dollars. I walked in and closed the door behind me.

Nice to meet you where you've been.. 

Elsa waved at me from the other side of the glass 

Loves a game wanna play...

It was cold, damn cold -150F to be exact. Looking around you can see there’s frost everywhere. It’s a little like a polar bear swim but not as shocking because your body changes temperature more gradually. 

I can make the bad guys good for a weekend...

I was so distracted by the cold and little slow flakes floating around I forgot to take off my robe. Who's the new cold guy?  So I was like, it’s cold, but it’s not that bad. I don’t see how this will really do anything. Else tried to communicate to take off my robe through the frosty glass. but I misunderstood her. I thought she was doing a brush off your shoulder kind of thing, so in response I did a shitty little dance. I’m still embarrassed about that moment. She just laughed at me dancing in a light snowfall to Taylor Swift. I finally clued in after about 45 seconds and in a panic ripped off my robe like a discount male stripper. The kind of male stripper that sticks around the bachelorette party too long, and doesn’t get the clue that he’s bumming everyone out and then on your way out to the club you see him sleeping in his car in your driveway and all novelty floats away like a frozen breath in a cryopod. That kind of male stripper.

So now I’m stripping to Taylor Swift in my little ice tube. What mistakes did I make to get here? The robe removal really amped everything up though. That’s when I got it, it’s fucking cold as shit in there, cold like walking barefoot to a hot tub during an ice storm in Thunder Bay cold. I instantly started shivering and flexing my newly grown man A-cups from sitting at a desk and eating cupcakes all day for two years. Thank god I quit my job my cupcake to normal food ratio was way out of control. 

Doctor "I just checked your X-rays and your liver has sprinkles on it"

Me "is that bad?"

Doctor "I don't know..."

At this point my hair started to get frosty and I was developing a serious set of eye lashicles. Blink blink, blink, can anyone say Ice Prince? This time I started dancing to keep up my body temp. And I thanked God for my shorts, if it weren’t for them I would have had to defrost my beans in sink afterwards. It was so cold in fact my camera started bugging out. 

Finally just as Blank Spaces finished and Style came on Elsa held up a count down on an iPad. To be honest I could have stayed in there a little longer but they advise cyro-virgins start off at 2:30.  

Once I was in the change room my skin felt all crisp and tingly like going from the hot tub in to a lake but less wet. At the desk I told them about my robe mis-hap and a little bit about my hangover I.V. fail. Now I feel bad about trashing Next Health last post because they were super nice about it and they gave me half off the session and even gave me a free-freeze coupon. 

Afterwards I felt awesome, I was jacked, tight and filled with energy. I was baaaaack! I felt 100% better than after the hangover I.V. though I didn’t get shit canned the night before so I guess that’s not a fair comparison. I immediately went out to meet some buds and gunned a full pint and devoured a pound of hot wings like Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds. 

Would I do it again? Yes definitely, especially on a super hot day it’d be amazing. $60 is pretty steep though. Could I make a cheaper home version from an old freezer and a large cardboard box? Only time will tell. I'm definitely going to cash in that free-freeze though. I think the pod is mostly designed for post workout for people like these guys below but it also works to post desk cupcakes too. 10/10