A BLOG - REMEMBER BLOGS!
Clown Salad is when you dump a bag of M&M's into a bowl of popcorn then cover it all in butter. Kind of like this blog. The metaphor checks out, no need to think about it too much. Come along as I review life, eat snacks and steam it up. Everything here is original no re-posts.
CLOWN SALAD IS ON TEMPORARY HIATUS.
Week in a Life Of Matt - (10/10)
When I left Amazon a lot of people couldn't quite wrap their heads around it. The concept of quitting a job without having another one lined up was mind blowing to a lot of people. I also gave very little heads up, it was sort of a Shawshank Redemption situation. One day I was just gone and my boss walked into my cubicle and it was empty except for my "Hang in there kitty" poster and in a fit of rage she threw a rock at the poster and it went right through and there was just a tunnel carved out of the cubicle that went into the sewage system. You see I had been planning my escape for over a year. Amazon was a great career opportunity, some great people there, and I got to do a lot of fun projects and travel a bunch, buuut I knew probably within the first six months it wasn't the place for me. So right then I started saving money knowing if I stuck around for too long I'd end up Brooks'n myself.
So over the course of about 18 months I started putting away money, banking vacation days, reading up on company policy for loop holes, stock vests windows, vacation pay, pension periods and health plans. I also needed a safe house when I got out because I knew they'd get me if I just worked out of my house. So I spent the weekends looking at office spaces and shared work spots. The plan was set. I figured out I could put in my notice one week before my stock vested and escape with all the loot.
On top of that I started a few side projects to keep my general sanity. That's when I started this blog, my coast-to-coast train trip, Heist Podcast as well as punching up a few dusty spec scripts I had in my closet. I even re-wrote the entire Dirty Dancing script, where wakeboarding is dancing and the unwanted pregnancy/legal grey area is weed. For real I wrote the whole thing, any takers? It's called Board'n (working title.) Anyway I finally left on February 25th, climbed out of the shit filled sewage tunnel at the Santa Monica Water Gardens and looked up to the sky as it rained down freedom.
I don't want a boss anymore, I don't want to go to an office everyday, I don't want the rat-race, subway ran over your hat, nine to five office life. Yeah no shit nobody does? It's now two months later and everyday I've tried to make the most of this time. Because it can't last forever. A few people have asked what I've been up to since I left, mostly the poor inmates still stuck at Amazon Pen. So I thought I'd write up a week-in-the-life sort of thing mostly to show other people you can do it too. First off let go of the thought that you can't do it, and that if it was possible everyone would do it. Don't ever let yourself fall for that trick. Now let me point out I've made all of about $700 in the last two months and it's a lot of work jumping from one project to the next but I'm hoping in time I'll figure out how to make money off all this scheming.
My life post Amazon has been pretty awesome, my stress level and cupcake intake has gone down no less than 600 percent (when you work at a massive media company people constantly send you cupcakes, like an ungodly amount of cupcakes, I'm not sure why but I don't want to see another fucking cupcake for the rest of my life) I hike to the top of Runyon almost every morning, I've switched from smoking a pack a day to an E-Smoke (which is healthier fuck off) and I get to do shit I feel like doing everyday. Like yesterday I listened to an audio book (Origins by Dan Brown) and built a my own Gameboy (that's a weird thing to do), it was the best day in awhile.
And I've been doing an engine swap on my mini-bike, took the restrictor plate off to give the orange dragon a little more juice, but let's keep that on the down low it's not exactly street legal.
Of course those are the things I do after work, because A) with no commute I get home early AF, We-Work is down the street from my place and B) I'm not so stressed out after work that I walk into the apartment and immediately get into bed, curl up in a trembling fetal position and re-watched How I Met Your Mother through tears, terrified that I have to go back to work the next day. If I wasn't such a drug-wuss I probably would have started a nasty habit over the last few years, but weed makes me paranoid and heroin makes you puke a bunch and I hate puking.
MONDAY
I had a heavy weekend because my brother was visiting and there was a lot of drinking, VR and escape rooms involved. I needed to write some copy for a fruit bar company I'm freelancing for and I knew I was going to be useless. Garfield was right, seriously fuck Mondays. So I woke up early, skipped the shower, jumped in my truck and drove to Wi Spa. $25 day fee. I spent the entire day there working in a robe with cucumbers on my eyes. Though I had to cut little slits in them so I could see my laptop. I was there for a full 9-5 day shift and was 200% more productive then I would have ever been in an office. Wi Spa is one of my new favorite places, there is a spa area: cold tub, hot tub, and even an extra hot, hot tub that will literally boil you like a frog, steam room, sauna and a strict dong-out policy. Which I'm not a huge fan of but its a tiny sacrifice (real tiny) Side question: What's the deal with forced nudity at spas, what are they gaining there? Is it just run by pervs that want to see naked people all the time?
If it was dong-in, I'd be there every Sunday with buds Bloody Marys in hand, cannon balling into the hot tub (maybe I just answered my own question.) Up stairs is the co-ed section, they give you these little uniforms to wear which were definitely purchased at a forced labour camp closing sale. That section is chill as fuck. You want to just lay down in the middle of the room and have a nap? Go for it bud. Wanna sit crossed legged in your robe and chomp on some Korean BBQ? They got you covered. There is also a bunch of wacky themed sauna rooms: Salt Room, the floor is covered in salt rocks and the walls are made of salt, to....up your salt levels? The Clay Room: three feet deep of lil' clay pellets like an adult ball room. Ice Room: basically a walk-in freezer, it'd be cooler if the floor had snow on it but you can't have everything. And Finally a huge sauna that could fit like fifty people. There's also a roof top patio where you can chill in the sun and puff smokes. And that sir is how you spend a Monday. It was surprisingly productive. If everyone could work from a spa on Mondays I guarantee the GDP would go up at least 15%
TUESDAY
I went into my We-Work office. It's a pretty good deal. I pay $325 a month for a hot desk. The deal gives you access to the building 24/7, free coffee and...KambuCha (sure?) meeting rooms, phone booths, screening rooms. Its pretty great because if you're like me working from home is completely useless. The bed is just too close to your desk. You start working and then decide you might as well get more comfortable and work sitting up in bed and maybe put on a show in the background to fill in the silence...CUT TO: you asleep, laptop on your lap, drool coming out of your mouth, surrounded by snacks and on the TV Barney is walking into the bar wearing a scuba suit, laugh track goes wild. As you snore your email notifications keep popping up on your laptop from your co-worker "Dude can you send me that spread sheet.." BING "I tried calling your phone you didn't pick up I really need that spread sheet for the presentation" BING "Where the fuck are you! If this presentation doesn't go well for me I'm gonna be in big trouble" BING "Oh great I just got fired for not having the spreadsheet done thanks a lot" BING "Dude did you hear? Franky off'd himself, got fired, jumped off the building, had a lot of debt couldn't face his wife" BING "Franky's funeral is at 4" BING "Dude where are you? I thought you were Franky's best friend!" BACK TO SCENE: you're still snoozing, Franky is dead and on the TV Barney is walking out of the bar in his scuba suit with a babe under his arm, audience goes wild.
WEDNESDAY
In case of accident stab hand with emergency harpoon
I knew I had to mucho focus on Wednesday because I had to write some punch-ups for a friend's script. It was very important and I knew We-Work wasn't gonna cut the mustard. So I decided to rid myself of distraction and jumped on the LA subway system. I took it as far as it would go. There is something about moving, I don't know what it is, but having the feeling of productivity in the background helps you concentrate. Like the same guy who I was writing the punch-ups for says when he has to focus he'll do a load of laundry or have a bath, as long as something else is going on it helps your brain lock-in.
Is that the Titanic?
I ended up taking the subway from Hollywood all the way to Long Beach, which for you out-of-towners is super fucking far. I think the whole ride took about two hours? But for that entire time I was locked-in, noise cancelling head phones on, just typing away, laughing at my own jokes (I'm hilarious) fitting right in with all the other crazy people. Once I got there I walked around for an hour or so because I had never been to Long beach. I went to the shore, you can rent a boat for $99 an hour and go drive out in the ocean, thats' good to know. And I found this sweet snack, a bag of chips with built-in hot sauce. Fuck yeah bud.
After that I hit the Aquarium and checked that out for a bit and eventually came to the conclusion Jelly fish are aliens. Then I found a quiet place off in the corner and wrote there. When there isn't a bunch of snot nosed little shits running around, aquariums are a super chill hang spot.
After that I found another We-Work a few blocks away and checked in there for a few hours and wrote some more. Then I hoped back on the subway and headed home. Another productive two hours.
THURSDAY
I had been stressing out that I hadn't seen Infinity War yet. Yeah those are the things I stress out about now. So I woke up early and went to the first screening I could find: 10am at The Grove. I swiped my Movie Pass and bingo bango, free movie. Just straight chilling in an empty theatre sipping a Starbucks iced americano one pump mocha. This is my happy place. Infinity War is allusion to the Trump election right? The whole 50/50 thing? Hillary is Scarlet Witch and Bernie is Vision? Gamora is Tiffany Trump. Battle takes place in a predominately black community? I mean it's kinda on-the-nose right?
After that I went to the farmers market and slammed a cheese slice and a meat ball and wrote there for a while. Then I jumped into my truck and drove to The Observatory. Another free hang out spot. I sat on the roof and wrote there.
The planetarium show was starting up so I grabbed a $7 ticket, leaned back and learned about stars and what not. Planetariums might be the chilliest thing you can do. Seriously I think it might beat sensor deprivation chambers. Most city's have them, they're cheap as shit, and space is awesome. I suggest you go to one this week.
FRIDAY
So Friday I really went for it. As I briefly discussed above I've been souping up my Mini-bike by putting an irresponsibly powerful engine in it, and adding a racing kit. It's a good way to learn about mechanic stuff without spending a whole bunch of money. The crazy engine for instance was only $99 and the kit was like $25. I tried to test drive it in my parking lot at home but it was so fast I almost crashed into my neighbor's car. So the new turbo bike was a perfect excuse to go somewhere that's been on my list since before I left amazon. HUNGRY VALLEY it's an off-road park 50 minutes north of LA in the desert. I didn't know much about it, or off roading in general but thought what the hell and drove up first thing in the morning.
Hungry Valley was awesome and it's huge: Hungry Valley offers 19,000 acres and more than 130 miles of scenic trails for motorcycle, All-Terrain Vehicles (ATV), dune buggies, and 4x4 recreation. It's like real life Excite Bike. First I took the Scout to the 4x4 training playground but it was way too extreme for me and my fancy truck, I could fully see myself rolling it in five minutes or running myself over somehow. It did really make me want to buy a junker with big tires and go wild though. All I really did was drive up this super steep hill, then I got stuck at the top because the way down was moguls so I had to carefully turn it around Austin Powers style.
Next I found a quiet area to go for a rip on the Mini B. After some test runs I took it out on a trail and went ripping. It's so fast now I can only give it half throttle, its too wild, it's basically just an engine with two wheels bolted to it. I took the trail for like 30 minutes or so away from where my truck was. Having no suspension really does a number on your knees and back but it was still good times. That is until I snapped the chain, probably because the engine was in full beast mode. Then I had to walk the lil' bike all the way back. Still worth it.
While I was there I took some conference calls did some writing, so it was sort of productive. Then I drove back and stopped at Pyramid lake to check it out. Kind a neat. You can rent a boat and go fishing, learning a lot about boat rental options lately.
I got home about 6 and had a crushing headache from getting blasted by the sun. I wore sunblock but the sun didn't give a shit about it. And here we are, that was my action packed week.
All I gotta say is now that we have laptops and internet and cell phones, why are we still going into offices? For real. It's so dumb. Quit your job it's the best.
